Dancing Strings

Sometimes I just want to be done. Like, I remember when I got on the plane to go to Spain on New Year's Eve in 2006. I remember sitting down in my seat, buckling my seat belt, accepting a glass of celebratory champagne from the flight attendant, and thinking, "Oh, shit."

I knew in my gut and heart that I had to go to Spain, get out of my school, get out of the country, learn a language, explore different ways of living, but I didn't want to do it. I just wanted to own it. I was panicking on the plane, now that I think of it. All I could think was, "please go quick, please let's just get this horrible romantic adventure and novel story that I'll get to tell out of the way." I didn't want to be in it because I had no idea what to expect and no idea that I would actually enjoy myself.

It's like we have this idea that once we finish this ONE step, project, whatever we're doing, our life is going to be so much more complete. And it never is. After about five minutes, give or take. It keeps going and going and going and we just have to keep playing. When we're in it, it's sweet. And we feel alive. We've all been there until we start thinking about it. Then that oh shit feeling comes back and it's time to start planning again.

For me, I think I need tools. Ways to remind myself to dive back in and say it's okay. I need an invitation. Cameras are good, sometimes music, dancing if I'm not self-conscious. Story telling, make believe, art, things like this. But what about those times when we really do just have to do things, like collect a bunch of books and papers for class, or find addresses and go to the post office. I have a hard time leaning into these sort of chores. I can't seem to fit them into my idea of what I should be doing. How is this going to get me anywhere? Let's skip it. This part is STUPID! I want to scream and throw things on the pavement and call someone up and say PLEASE! do the work because I HATE it! Sometimes they do...

oops !

Well, I guess if this is my biggest problem right now I should just shutup, but oh, well, this is my BLOG and I can complain if I want to.

This saying comes to mind:

"Start by doing what is necessary; then do what is possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible."

-St. Francis of Assisi

Some part of me really believes I should be immune from this first part, but alas I am not.

String the strings.. play the strings.... dance strings, dance.